I ventured out today for dinner and shopping with a friend. I bought myself a bra because I like buying bras and I wanted to feel better (Was feeling sorry for myself this weekend---long story). In the process of buying the bra I decided that I really would not mind breast implants. I've been going over the cost vs. don't be fake vs. surgery risk vs. lovely and large breasts dilemma in my head ever since. I wish I had just one singular body part that I just adored. Every part of me is merely average, and there isn't any one part that I can say "Yeah my tummy is flabby, but I've got great [insert body part here]." I want to be able to say to the world and the media and men (in my head) "fuck you at least I have great breasts."
But what I'd really like to say is "Fuck you for trying to tell me what I should look like period."
But the unfortunate fact is that most men buy into the societal standards brought on by the media and that leaves we straight, average girls with flab and small breasts out of the game of finding a parnter. And yeah that's a generalization. There are some men out there that don't think that way. They aren't common though. The chances of finding someone who believes an average, normal girl is fabulous on the inside and outside is tough enough. But then also, everyone wants something slightly different out of a mate, and finding a man who both believes that real women are beutiful and is compatable...that is even more rare.
Some girls will be the first to volunteer--"oh, my boyfriend is like that!" And that's really wonderful, but also brings up the point that many of these men are already taken. So in reality, what is left for the straight, average girls who didn't sieze one of the few early in the game (early figuratively as in teens or very early 20s)? As much as we would like to take a stand and accept ourselves for our small breasts or dramatic cuves, large noses or thin lips, we do what we can to minimize (or maximize!) such feadtures, because we know that our almost only hope of finding a decent partner is to fit ourselves into the small box of what is considered beautiful. And the basic truth is that we'd rather do this, tell ourselves that inner beauty is not enough, and be constantly trying to imporve what the world sees on the outside than to be alone. And in many cases, alone is the only other option.
After James (ex-boyfriend, obviously traumatic break up) told me how repulsive he found my body, I've struggled long and hard with self-esteem about my appearance. Sometimes I think I am getting somewhere, but most of the time I feel like I am just trying to fight the truth. Maybe the truth isn't that I'm repulsive, but the truth may be that I am just average, and with 95% of single males in my age range, average is not ok. Average is undesireable. And isn't repulsive largely the same thing and undesireable?
It makes me angry. I don't want the moon. I just want a nice average guy, who loves me for my body and my soul, who's basic core personality I can get along with, who won't call me repulsive or cheat on me with men and prostitutes. Is that such an impossible thing to ask?
I fear the answer, for an average girl, is yes.
X-posted my journal