whoa_breathe (whoa_breathe) wrote in her_answers,
whoa_breathe
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Ugh, self-esteem and body image...

I've been doing some thinking on women and the pressures we face to look what society considers "attractive." Also struggling with my own self-esteem issues regarding my appearance and it spurred me to write a rant. I put it under the cut in case you don't feel like reading my random thoughts about my own body image and my pessimistic views on society. Also written with heterosexual relationships in mind, as it is based on my own experinces. ;)




I ventured out today for dinner and shopping with a friend. I bought myself a bra because I like buying bras and I wanted to feel better (Was feeling sorry for myself this weekend---long story). In the process of buying the bra I decided that I really would not mind breast implants. I've been going over the cost vs. don't be fake vs. surgery risk vs. lovely and large breasts dilemma in my head ever since. I wish I had just one singular body part that I just adored. Every part of me is merely average, and there isn't any one part that I can say "Yeah my tummy is flabby, but I've got great [insert body part here]." I want to be able to say to the world and the media and men (in my head) "fuck you at least I have great breasts."

But what I'd really like to say is "Fuck you for trying to tell me what I should look like period."

But the unfortunate fact is that most men buy into the societal standards brought on by the media and that leaves we straight, average girls with flab and small breasts out of the game of finding a parnter. And yeah that's a generalization. There are some men out there that don't think that way. They aren't common though. The chances of finding someone who believes an average, normal girl is fabulous on the inside and outside is tough enough. But then also, everyone wants something slightly different out of a mate, and finding a man who both believes that real women are beutiful and is compatable...that is even more rare.

Some girls will be the first to volunteer--"oh, my boyfriend is like that!" And that's really wonderful, but also brings up the point that many of these men are already taken. So in reality, what is left for the straight, average girls who didn't sieze one of the few early in the game (early figuratively as in teens or very early 20s)? As much as we would like to take a stand and accept ourselves for our small breasts or dramatic cuves, large noses or thin lips, we do what we can to minimize (or maximize!) such feadtures, because we know that our almost only hope of finding a decent partner is to fit ourselves into the small box of what is considered beautiful. And the basic truth is that we'd rather do this, tell ourselves that inner beauty is not enough, and be constantly trying to imporve what the world sees on the outside than to be alone. And in many cases, alone is the only other option.

After James (ex-boyfriend, obviously traumatic break up) told me how repulsive he found my body, I've struggled long and hard with self-esteem about my appearance. Sometimes I think I am getting somewhere, but most of the time I feel like I am just trying to fight the truth. Maybe the truth isn't that I'm repulsive, but the truth may be that I am just average, and with 95% of single males in my age range, average is not ok. Average is undesireable. And isn't repulsive largely the same thing and undesireable?

It makes me angry. I don't want the moon. I just want a nice average guy, who loves me for my body and my soul, who's basic core personality I can get along with, who won't call me repulsive or cheat on me with men and prostitutes. Is that such an impossible thing to ask?

I fear the answer, for an average girl, is yes.

X-posted my journal
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"But the unfortunate fact is that most men buy into the societal standards brought on by the media and that leaves we straight, average girls with flab and small breasts out of the game of finding a parnter. And yeah that's a generalization. There are some men out there that don't think that way. They aren't common though. The chances of finding someone who believes an average, normal girl is fabulous on the inside and outside is tough enough. But then also, everyone wants something slightly different out of a mate, and finding a man who both believes that real women are beutiful and is compatable...that is even more rare."

You've pretty muched summed up my exact thoughts. I go through bouts of "depression" wondering if I'll ever be loved because the men who see correctly these days are few and becoming less and less. Love doesn't really mean anything anymore (to most men in my age range), and neither does quality over quanitity. Love to them is finding a "fun" girl who drinks and parties, some sex, and then ending the relationship by cheating. That's why I was so depressed when I "lost" the guy who was nothing like this.

-le sigh-
"Love to them is finding a "fun" girl who drinks and parties, some sex, and then ending the relationship by cheating"

You quoted me and now it's my turn.;) The above is EXACTLY what I've run into in the dating world. Honestly it just repulses me and makes me entirely uninterested in even trying to go out and be a "fun" girl. By such standards, I am not "fun." Drinking more than a drink or two gives me migranes and I can't take my medicine if I've been drinking...a catch 22 which keeps me from being a lot of "fun" and getting smashed all the time. Which I wouldn't do anyway because I find that boring.

Sometimes I feel ok and other times I am very down because I too feel as though maybe there is no one out there to love me -- in my definition of love, which is loving the person for their whole self, body mind and soul.

And I do know men who are not in that category. Problem is that though they are wonderful individuals who truly value women, I would never get along with them because of other aspects of their personality...and that's what I mean by saying it's hard to find someone that both can love you and who YOU can love in return.
I'm sorry about what James said to you, and how you feel.

I think most females in societies like ours can relate. With it being such a common problem, everyone is tackling it by succumbing to the pressure and going under the knife, buying push up bras, and such... Because the force is so great it seems like the only option.

Sometimes I try to be strong and say "If a guy can't love me this way then he should fuck off," but deep inside I usually feel quite the opposite. I want breast augmentation, and liposuction... And I'm only 19. I envy what I see in the media. I compare myself to every female I see.

I am never happy with myself. I binge eat and then I feel like a pig because "Now I'll never look like so-and-so from the magazines."

It's a vicious cycle and I worry where women and girls will be 50 years from now. Being yourself should make you happy, but it's next to impossible for most people not to change, or try to accomidate what people expect...
Yeah I hear you, I'm always trying to tell myself "If he won't love you just as you are now then he can fuck off because you wouldn't want to be with a guy like that anyway."

But I wonder if maybe even the decent guys in my age range (22-29) are like that, only wanting someone that could step out of the pages of Cosmo? Maybe that's just what boys are taught about what to look for in a woman at a young age, and they buy into it as much as we buy into things like cosmetic surgery. Who knows.

I also do the thing with the food. I try to eat very low calorie all day and then at night it's like I'm so hungry that I just eat a whole bunch of crap and then I'm mad at myself because if I keep doing that I will never look how I want to.